Untangling: Part 2

If you read the July 8 post you know that Joanna and I are in “untangle” mode—something we’ve been working on for a month now. However, in recent days I’ve realized that my untangling metaphor has another layer to it. I’ll try to explain … but I find I need to use another picture to do so:

I purchased a new pair of glasses. They were extremely expensive. They didn’t just cost me an “arm and a leg.” They almost cost me my life.

They aren’t a pair of glasses I put on my nose and ears to focus my eyes. They are a pair I put on my heart and mind to focus my perspective. Just like Joanna reaches for her prescription glasses a dozen times a day to read a label or book, I’m reaching for these glasses throughout my day to read life.

My new glasses have an odd name: “Death Stare.” I acquired them a year and a half ago in the ICU ward at OHSU in Portland, but I’m just now figuring out how to use them.

Okay, let me stop writing in terms of metaphor and explain what I’m thinking: I’m becoming more proactive at looking at my life through the lens of my death bed experience. I’m becoming intentional about this.

For example, recently I was taking notes during a meeting. A few minutes into it, I wrote at the top of my paper, “I came back from my death bed to do this?” I surprised myself when I did it, because it was a good meeting and I was fully engaged in the conversation. However, it was a personal “reality check” moment.

I’ve complained enough in the past: you know that recovery hasn’t been an easy journey for me. Death would have been unspeakably easier. But, upon coming to accept that God has more for my life, I’ve tried to cooperate with Him in this challenging recovery process. And, I rejoice that I’m miles down the recovery path. I’m not the healthy man I was two years ago, but I’m certainly not as sick of a man as I was one year ago.

Progress is definitely being made. And, now that it is, I’m back doing more things: preaching, writing, working on the final project for the doctoral program, participating in meetings, coaching and mentoring, preparing for the launch of The Upper Room (the new Salem Alliance prayer center), etc. Yet, as I do all of this—and I’m absolutely thrilled that I can be doing these things—I’m beginning to ask this new question: Did I come back from my death bed for this? Or, to state it differently, Did God give me a second chance to live so that I would give what little time I have left to this?

This reflection has become a great tool for me to evaluate what I’m giving myself to. In the past, I often took on countless projects merely because “somebody had to do it.” There was a measure of good to this, but its inherent weakness was a lack of evaluation. I now have an evaluation tool—a pair of glasses to look through—to help decide if I’m the one to take on that project or not.

These questions—these glasses—are also becoming a helpful tool to check my emotional response. I’ve known through the years that I can become passionate about too many things. I’m embarrassed now, as I look back on life, at all the times I spoke so fervently in a meeting over an issue I now consider to be insignificant. I pounded tables, raised my voice, spiked my blood pressure, filled white boards and challenged the views of teammates with great intensity on far too many issues. I wasn’t selective with my passion. If I had an opinion, you were sure to know. I’m trying to change.

I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS YET, but I’m excited about the potential that awaits me with these new glasses. When my emotions arise over a subject, I’m trying to ask myself, “Did I come back from my death bed to fight over this issue? Is this how I want to use my remaining breaths?”

Don’t be concerned, I haven’t lost any passion. In fact, it has probably increased. What I’m trying to change—where I’m seeking to mature—is to be more selective in these passions … to raise my voice on fewer issues.

And so, this too is an “untangling.” Just as I’m back on the river bank sorting out my fishing line in practical ways such as selling our home, I’m now attempting to unravel my spirit from so many issues as well.

Untangled line & death glasses. Add to that, my improved health and the pleasure of eating food. Hmmm, life might actually become enjoyable again.

Travel light. We’ve got more miles to go,

John